WWE Retro Review: Unforgiven 2002

Rosey and Jamal were an underrated team in a sense because they were huge, yet could pull off cruiserweight-esque moves. Their lack of mic time and mismatched manager Rico didn't do them any favors. Oh, the backstory here is Rico is mad at Billy and Chuck for lying to him and Smackdown GM Stephanie McMahon wants to beat Eric Bischoff's team. The crowd wanted to her boobs.

5. Eric Bischoff-Stephanie McMahon Lesbian Segment.

Ah, TV-14. WWE had the brilliant idea of integrating softcore porn o Monday nights with HLA--Hot Lesbian Action. Each week, Bischoff would find two lipstick lesbians and get them to make out on camera. This would have been a huge ratings draw had Cinemax never existed. There's a reason many older fans like myself (and I'm really not old...I'm 22) laugh their asses off when WWE attempts to present PG programming and pretend segments like HLA NEVER EVER EVER EXISTED. 

The stipulation of the 3MW vs. Billy/Chuck match was that if Billy/Chuck lost, Stephanie McMahon would have to make out with another woman. Unfortunately, the crowd wanted to see her boobs and that didn't happen regardless. Can't have everything in life. 

So the segment began with Bischoff bitching out McMahon. He brought in a couple of hos that apparently didn't belong to The Godfather or Snoop Dogg. Bischoff teased McMahon making out with them. BUT WAIT. Bischoff said McMahon's not gonna make out with just any lesbian. Cue the huge thing that walks to the ring. That bitch is huge. And looks like a man. She(?) makes out with McMahon! Gross. BUT WAIT. She(?) rips off the makeup she(?) borrowed from Mrs. Doubtfire to reveal that she(?) is a he(~!)--RIKISHI!

Rikis-HE then proceeds to OWN Bischoff and drops him the corner. He gives Bischoff an EPIC STINKFACE. Think of the move Kelly Kelly does only Rikishi actually has an ass and it comes off 1,000,000 times less hot. Rikishi and DJ Steph then proceed to dance for a minute or two, proving that some white people, even billon dollar princesses, need dance lessons. 

This segment went too long and inexplicably took place on PPV instead Mysterio vs. Guerrero. LAME.

6. RAW match: Triple H (C) def. Rob Van Dam to retain the World Heavyweight Title via pinfall at 18:17 following Ric Flair's interference.

The year 2002 was HHH at his worst. Coming back from a quad injury, HHH looked...um...bloated and a lot slower. Wait--he was bloated and a lot slower. 

It was around this time that many wrestling insiders started reporting HHH's growing influence backstage on booking decisions.

According to Bryan Alvarez's Figure Four Weekly Newsletter, RVD was nearly booked to win the World Title, but HHH cut a scathing backstage promo, pretty much saying what he said on RAW leading up to Unforgiven--RVD wasn't on his level. Say what you want about RVD's stiff-ish style and at times, careless nature. The guy was pretty over and could have freshened the main event scene greatly back then, even with a brief title run.

The go-home week for Unforgiven may have been RVD the character's worst week ever. He lost the Intercontinental Title to Jericho on RAW and was OWNED by HHH. Then on the PPV, instead of the babyface prevailing, he just got OWNED again--only this time when it counted. HHH had buried Flair earlier on the show in a backstage segment featuring RVD, so it was only right that Naitch would interfere--ON HUNTER'S BEHALF! SWERVE ALERT. 

This World Title match was OK, but didn't totally click for a few reasons. One, as noted before, WWE almost killed RVD on the go-home show. Two, Flair's heel turn was seen a mile away. And three, HHH didn't win the World Heavyweight Title in the first place. HE WAS AWARDED THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE. In fact, Jericho even said in an interview that giving HHH the World Heavyweight Title like that was something out of WCW's PLAYBOOK.

HHH killed Kane the next month, while simultaneously shining a spotlight on necrophilia. RVD beat Flair in a match on one remembered and disappeared from the main event scene until the Summer of 2006. He would finally win the WWE Title then, only to prove every critic of his right, when he and Sabu were speeding, pulled over by a cop, and BUSTED FOR MARIJUANA AND OTHER DRUGS. C'MON SON....

7. RAW Divas match: Trish Stratus def. Molly Holly to win the WWE Women's Title via pinfall at 5:46. 

Back in 2002, the WWE Women's Title meant something. Shockingly, the women that competed for the title could WRESTLE and RUN THE ROPES (I'm looking at you, Kelly Kelly). These two Divas could go for sure, but had an off-night that made me wish Mysterio vs. Guerrero was on the main card (WAR REY/LOS GUERREROS). Decent climax to a solid Divas feud. 

8. Smackdown match: Chris Benoit aka the man that crapped on his legacy with unforgivable (no pun intended) acts def. Kurt Angle via pinfall at 13:55.

I hate Chris Benoit. Never can I watch a match of his again. Yes, he had brain damage. Yes, he should have had his head checked out. Yes, there was something seriously wrong with him when he committed such vile crimes in the Summer of 2007. 

But that doesn't change the fact the cowardly son of a bitch almost brought down the ENTIRE WRESTLING BUSINESS with his actions.